I have to admit, I was really excited about this year. The year started with me turning 34, my favorite number. I was happily married (still am I might add) and ready to take on the world with our five kids in tow.
Well that changed…heartbreakingly so.
It is amazing how much life can change in a matter of moments.
Life is still good, but it is terrible all at the same time.
You see, because no parent EVER wants to bury their child. That’s what happened. Our son, Christopher Jordan Johnson passed away on April 10, 2015. Nothing could have ever prepared us for him coming into our lives with so much joy and so much promise, and leave so quickly with so much heartache, despair, and shattered dreams and promises. It just didn’t seem right. It still doesn’t.
It was one blow to learn of his twin sister being diagnosed with Down Syndrome when she was born, but had no idea that her perfectly healthy brother would one day go down for a nap, and the we find him not breathing.
Despite the valiant efforts of the first responders, the life flight team, and countless doctors and nurses, he passed away. We had to say goodbye to our little hunk. We had to give him back to our Creator. This precious baby boy who didn’t even make it to 4 months old.
Needless to say I had some questions for God.
I just couldn’t understand why my little boy passed away. So I asked….and this is what came out. A poem…
I asked God…
What do you do when you lose your baby, a twin, when everything about her reminds you of him?
How is so much pain in this life ever a part of your plan, when you could have stopped it before it ever began?
Do you really believe that I can handle all you have allowed me to walk through, while still fully and faithfully believing and trusting in you?
What happens to me when everyone else has moved on, and I’m left with the brokenness and grief of losing my son?
And He Answered…
My child, I know your heart breaks and the pain seems too much to bear
I heard your desperate pleas to save your child, in that very moment, I was right there
And although it doesn’t seem fair, to lose a life so precious and pure
I must tell you some things, of which you can be sure
Despite what you are enduring, my promises are still true
I know the end from the beginning, so you can fear not, for I am God and I am with you
Don’t try to understand, because my ways are higher than yours, and my plan is without flaw
I am God, and you must not forget that it was my son whom I freely gave to redeem you from the law
See you were bought with a price, and it came at a high cost
I know the pain of losing a son, but it was worth the price to save the lost
His life was perfect, but His job was done
And this is the same for this story, this is the same for your son
I work all things together for good, because you love me, and you know that death is not the end
And you can have the peace of knowing that you will see your son again
You are blessed in your mourning, and you will be comforted, so that you may comfort others
You have walked an uncommon road and journey, that I have not called for most mothers
As you continue in this life, walk by faith and not by sight
And when I call you home, it is only then that you will fully realize, that everything is indeed alright